This post is for you to read, but I am writing it mostly for my wife's benefit.
I'm extremely competitive and recognize that at times I can be a bit intense when it comes to sports. I think it worries my wife that I'll be extreme in my approach to raising our kids in sports. We're expecting our first child, a son, any day now, so before he arrives I want to express my thoughts on how kids should and shouldn't be raised in sports.
But this post isn't just for you and my wife; it's also for me. Obviously, as I learn to be a parent my ideas on the parenting process will change (quite drastically I'm told), but I hope this will serve as a reminder if I'm ever tempted to be a little more intense or competitive. And please, leave your thoughts, opinions, and experiences in the comments below so that I can learn from you!
So here we go: my thoughts on how kids - specifically my son - should and shouldn't be raised in sports.
FUN
First and foremost, sports were created to be fun. While some - including myself at times - fall victim the Red Sanders philosophy that, "Winning isn't everything, it's the only thing," that absolutely should never apply to children. Winning is close to nothing when it comes to youth sports. Of course it will be great to see my son experience the thrill of victory, but there are so many more important things that he needs to get out of sports, and right at the top of the list is having fun.
We nearly missed some of the best years of Andre Agassi's career because he was burned out. He has admitted that he hated tennis, and that came in large part because his father pushed him into it so aggressively. He never had the chance to enjoy it. Fortunately for fans of the game, he committed himself to fitness, and that refocus allowed him to complete a tremendous career in spite of his feelings for the sport.
I don't want to be Andre Agassi's father. I don't want to brainwash my son into loving sports by dangling a tennis ball above his crib so that his eyes learn early to follow a yellow, fuzzy orb. It worked, and Agassi became one of the greatest tennis players of all time, but at what cost? He despises the game that made him famous.
My wife and I were at the park recently and we saw a dad with his two young boys, probably about ages 3 and 5. They were dressed up in their little jerseys, shin guards, and cleats. That in and of itself I don't have had a problem with. A lot of kids love getting dressed up in their gear and jerseys to go out and play. I know I did! But then this father pulled out several cones and began running his kids through a series of drills, and that's just too much. I think drills should be saved until you're a little older, and, generally speaking, until a child is on an organized team with organized practices. Until then, I think he or she will just enjoy being active. Teaching skills is great, but I plan on skipping the drills and sticking to the fundamentals, like this dad:
DON'T SPECIALIZE
There's been kind of a disturbing trend toward early one-sport specialization in recent years, and I think it needs to stop. I'm not alone either, and JJ Watt's opinion probably carries more weight than mine:
Single-sport specialization amongst youth today is troubling. Let kids be kids. They'll become better all-around athletes & have more fun.
— JJ Watt (@JJWatt) March 2, 2015
There are a million reasons for this, but Watt hits on two of the biggest. As already discussed, having fun is what it's all about. If our youth are specializing they are more likely to burn out, drop sports, and abandon an active lifestyle, furthering the problems of inactivity and obesity that currently plague our country. But if my son participates in a variety of sports and activities he is more likely to find the form - or forms - of physical activity he enjoys most. More important than kids becoming college and professional athletes is that they learn to be active and healthy.
But speaking of next level athletics...
If my son wants to pursue athletics at the college level, then specializing early will actually hurt him. As JJ Watt points out in the tweet above, playing multiple sports will lead to being better athletes. Urban Meyer clearly agrees. Just look at this little chart that illustrates his recruiting patterns at Ohio State:
I suppose a lot of people think that specializing early will increase a kid's chances at taking it to the next level, but in reality, it doesn't. I want to emphasize again that I want my son to love sports and being active, and I don't want him to hate what he does like Andre Agassi hated tennis. And that is regardless of whether or not he even wants to pursue intercollegiate athletics.
Supposing my children turn out like me and don't play competitive sports after high school, wouldn't it be more enjoyable to have the fundamental skills from a variety of sports? I love to watch and play just about everything, and the ones I never played competitively, like football, I can still play recreationally because I am an athlete (albeit a very average athlete), not just a one sport specialist.
TAKE IT DOWN A NOTCH
Do you know what drives me absolutely insane? I HATE seeing youth sports coaches who make their kids run as punishment. What message are we sending when we do that? "Kid, you were bad, so go exercise!" WHAT?! No wonder America struggles with obesity! From our youth, many of us have associated exercise with punishment. From PE classes to youth soccer practices it has become pretty commonplace, but it really, really shouldn't be the case. Again, it goes back to the principle that sports and physical activity should be fun. If physical activity is punishment, do you think it's going to be fun? And do you think kids are going to want to exercise?
Along these same lines is another problem in youth sports, and that's all the yelling. They're kids! Why are we so intense about it?
Let me tell you a story. When I was around 13 years old I started officiating youth soccer. Being so young they started me out with the youngest age group, the 5 and 6 year olds. In one particular game, a shot on goal struck the keeper in the face. He didn't fall, he didn't scream or start crying, and he was immediately back in the ready position. The ball quickly cleared and I ran by the keeper and made sure he was okay, but that was not good enough for the "assistant coach" (and that's in quotes because he had kind of made himself an assistant coach, certainly to the head coach's dismay). This man came across the field, in the middle of play, and began screaming in my face. He was upset that I hadn't blown the play dead the second the ball hit his goalie's face. And how did he choose to express this? By running across the field and berating a 13-year-old boy. Good choice, sir. (And to conclude the story, I never backed down and calmly asked him several times to leave my field until he finally did, resulting in a standing ovation from the opposing sideline.)
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| This is me, the youth soccer official. |
Again, why are we so intense about youth sports? In my case, that parent was yelling at an official, and I know many people don't consider referees to be human beings, but come on, man! It's youth soccer! Per the rules of that league I went above and beyond in even checking on the keeper to make sure he was okay. And yet, this middle-aged man felt the need to charge the field and relentlessly scream at a 13-year-old boy.
We all know that it doesn't stop with yelling at officials. In my years of playing, officiating, and coaching youth sports, I've seen parents and coaches alike yell at their kids and players when they make a mistake. That seems effective. I can totally see how it would help my son develop a love of sports and a healthy and active lifestyle if I yell at him because he set an illegal screen or something equally as trivial.
I have a lot of other stories on this subject from my time in youth sports, but I'll save those for another day and just leave it at this: exercise isn't punishment, yelling isn't appropriate, and all of us adults need to take a chill pill before we ruin sports for our kids.
LEARN SOMETHING
Aside from learning to be physically active and healthy, there are hundreds of life lessons I want my son to learn from sports. These aren't things that I could yell and scream until the lesson is learned (and if you're ever tempted to try, see above), but rather, these lessons are natural byproducts that are learned from a good youth sports experience. Like I said, there are hundreds, maybe even thousands of things that every child should learn from athletics, but below are some of the ones I think are most important.
You win some, you lose some
After spending years on primarily losing teams, something crazy happened my senior year of high school: I played on a really good basketball team. We won our conference and placed second in our division in Europe. It was an absolutely incredible year, but I now had to learn how to win. Perhaps it wasn't as difficult for me to learn to be a gracious winner after years of losing, but it was still an important skill I needed to develop. I want my son to quickly learn how to be grateful for teammates and coaches. I want my son to sincerely congratulate the other team on a great game or great season, something that was somewhat difficult for me at times after beating teams by scores like 52-11 and 52-5. I want my son to celebrate victories but never at the expense of his opponent. I even want my son to thank the officials after the game, regardless of their performance. And I want him to do these things in sports, school, business, and his social life, wherever it is possibly applicable.
Overcoming challenges
Sports aren't easy, and even aside from losing there are a lot of challenges that come up. From my time growing up in sports, I learned how to overcome just about anything from small hurdles to oversized obstacles. For those of you who played basketball growing up, do you remember how difficult it was to learn to do a layup with your off-hand? Maybe it was just me, but trying to convince my dominantly right-handed self to jump off my right foot and extend the ball with my left hand was nearly impossible. But I learned the kind of discipline and work it takes to master a new skill. Did you know I didn't pass the writing section of Washington's standardized testing in seventh grade? And now here I am writing for fun! (Though I'll let you be the judge of quality.) It didn't come naturally, but with a little work and dedication I have become a somewhat competent writer.
Sometimes the challenges are bigger. As we all know, injuries are a part of sports. I was fortunate enough to avoid serious injuries from youth sports through my high school career. I did have some minor injuries to deal with, but I learned to fight through the pain. Why is this a valuable lesson? Here's why:
Life is pain! From the physical to the emotional, we all experience varying degrees of pain all throughout our life; it's inevitable. The trick that we all need to master is to fight through the pain, and this is something I once again learned through sports. When I'm sick or exhausted or in pain of some kind and don't want to go to work or fulfill some responsibility, I've occasionally said to myself, "This wouldn't have stopped me from playing basketball, I can't let it stop me today." Perhaps it's a bit of a cheesy lesson, but it's been helpful to me and it's the kind of thing I'd like my son to learn. The pains of life can't keep me down!
Teamwork and unselfishness
Few lessons are more important to learn than teamwork. We all know that throughout our lives we work with a variety of teams. From youth sports teammates to collaborators on a work or school project, we all work with a variety of people in a variety of ways and it's important to learn how to succeed with them. In sports, you play with a variety of teammates, some you like and some you don't. But if my son can learn to work alongside even the worst of teammates, he'll be prepared for any classmate or coworker that awaits him in the future.
But do you know what is sometimes harder than working alongside that difficult teammate? Cheering for him from the bench! Of course, nobody in youth sports should be riding the pine, but if my son decides to play for a school team or at any competitive level, there may come a time when he sits on the end of the bench to cheer on his teammates and wait his turn. And there is literally nothing wrong with that! We're not all going to be Mike Trout or LeBron James and always be the best player on our team. Sometimes in sports, and in life, we're relegated to the role of "bench warmer," and we do everything we can to support the team and work hard so we are ready for our turn.
And when our turn does come, it's still all about the team. Did you watch Steph Curry's speech after accepting the NBA MVP award this season? He was unbelievably humble, taking almost no credit and thanking everyone you could possibly think of. He was the league's best player, but he unselfishly thanked the world, including his teammates.
The word of the year in 2013 was "selfie," which I think is very indicative of the world we live in. If you watch the NBA, and even college basketball at times, you will sadly see stretches that are nothing more than a series of isolation plays strung together as one player catches the ball and tries to beat his man to put up his shot. Perhaps it's not all that bad, but the iso play is far more common today than it used to be. Gone are the days of passing up a good shot for a better shot, and soon I fear acknowledging the man who dished you the ball will disappear as well. I want my son to always be grateful for the help of teammates, coaches, parents... Okay, now I'm getting a little selfish.
Success is earned
We all know that it doesn't stop with yelling at officials. In my years of playing, officiating, and coaching youth sports, I've seen parents and coaches alike yell at their kids and players when they make a mistake. That seems effective. I can totally see how it would help my son develop a love of sports and a healthy and active lifestyle if I yell at him because he set an illegal screen or something equally as trivial.
I have a lot of other stories on this subject from my time in youth sports, but I'll save those for another day and just leave it at this: exercise isn't punishment, yelling isn't appropriate, and all of us adults need to take a chill pill before we ruin sports for our kids.
LEARN SOMETHING
Aside from learning to be physically active and healthy, there are hundreds of life lessons I want my son to learn from sports. These aren't things that I could yell and scream until the lesson is learned (and if you're ever tempted to try, see above), but rather, these lessons are natural byproducts that are learned from a good youth sports experience. Like I said, there are hundreds, maybe even thousands of things that every child should learn from athletics, but below are some of the ones I think are most important.
You win some, you lose some
Growing up, I played on A LOT of losing teams. Virtually every team I played for ended up with a losing record. As I've mentioned I'm very competitive, and that wasn't at all different when I was a kid, so losing was hard. But one of the most important lessons I ever learned from playing sports was how to lose. I could probably make an entire post about how to lose, but instead let me just quickly hit some of the highlights.
I learned that sometimes people are better than me, and that's okay. I learned that sometimes I might feel I'm more talented than my opponent but things still might not go my way. From both of those principles, I learned how to respect those who defeated me (for example, getting passed over for a job or a lazy coworker earning Employee of the Month). I learned how to pick myself up after falling short. I learned to channel the frustration of losing into working hard to improve.
Most of all, I learned how to be happy even when I lose or fall short in one aspect of my life. This may not be the greatest lesson that everyone will learn from losing, but for me it was the most difficult and took me the longest. I don't think I really learned it until I met my wife. It used to be that you couldn't approach me after a loss for a few hours for fear of me snapping at you because I was still frustrated. I was horrible. But I've finally learned to put a smile on and brush it off almost immediately after. Why would I let a loss negatively affect the way I feel and the way I treat others? Good question. And apologies to my family for years of putting up with me after losses!
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| You didn't believe me did you? And this was the quarterfinals of the European Championships! |
Overcoming challenges
Sports aren't easy, and even aside from losing there are a lot of challenges that come up. From my time growing up in sports, I learned how to overcome just about anything from small hurdles to oversized obstacles. For those of you who played basketball growing up, do you remember how difficult it was to learn to do a layup with your off-hand? Maybe it was just me, but trying to convince my dominantly right-handed self to jump off my right foot and extend the ball with my left hand was nearly impossible. But I learned the kind of discipline and work it takes to master a new skill. Did you know I didn't pass the writing section of Washington's standardized testing in seventh grade? And now here I am writing for fun! (Though I'll let you be the judge of quality.) It didn't come naturally, but with a little work and dedication I have become a somewhat competent writer.
Sometimes the challenges are bigger. As we all know, injuries are a part of sports. I was fortunate enough to avoid serious injuries from youth sports through my high school career. I did have some minor injuries to deal with, but I learned to fight through the pain. Why is this a valuable lesson? Here's why:
Life is pain! From the physical to the emotional, we all experience varying degrees of pain all throughout our life; it's inevitable. The trick that we all need to master is to fight through the pain, and this is something I once again learned through sports. When I'm sick or exhausted or in pain of some kind and don't want to go to work or fulfill some responsibility, I've occasionally said to myself, "This wouldn't have stopped me from playing basketball, I can't let it stop me today." Perhaps it's a bit of a cheesy lesson, but it's been helpful to me and it's the kind of thing I'd like my son to learn. The pains of life can't keep me down!
Teamwork and unselfishness
Few lessons are more important to learn than teamwork. We all know that throughout our lives we work with a variety of teams. From youth sports teammates to collaborators on a work or school project, we all work with a variety of people in a variety of ways and it's important to learn how to succeed with them. In sports, you play with a variety of teammates, some you like and some you don't. But if my son can learn to work alongside even the worst of teammates, he'll be prepared for any classmate or coworker that awaits him in the future.
But do you know what is sometimes harder than working alongside that difficult teammate? Cheering for him from the bench! Of course, nobody in youth sports should be riding the pine, but if my son decides to play for a school team or at any competitive level, there may come a time when he sits on the end of the bench to cheer on his teammates and wait his turn. And there is literally nothing wrong with that! We're not all going to be Mike Trout or LeBron James and always be the best player on our team. Sometimes in sports, and in life, we're relegated to the role of "bench warmer," and we do everything we can to support the team and work hard so we are ready for our turn.
And when our turn does come, it's still all about the team. Did you watch Steph Curry's speech after accepting the NBA MVP award this season? He was unbelievably humble, taking almost no credit and thanking everyone you could possibly think of. He was the league's best player, but he unselfishly thanked the world, including his teammates.
The word of the year in 2013 was "selfie," which I think is very indicative of the world we live in. If you watch the NBA, and even college basketball at times, you will sadly see stretches that are nothing more than a series of isolation plays strung together as one player catches the ball and tries to beat his man to put up his shot. Perhaps it's not all that bad, but the iso play is far more common today than it used to be. Gone are the days of passing up a good shot for a better shot, and soon I fear acknowledging the man who dished you the ball will disappear as well. I want my son to always be grateful for the help of teammates, coaches, parents... Okay, now I'm getting a little selfish.
Success is earned
Just watch this:
Here's my point (finally!): When it comes to raising my son in sports, it's not about winning, scoring the most points, or making it professionally. Not at all. I want to guide him in learning these principles that will, in turn, guide him throughout his life.
MY DREAMS DON'T MATTER
MY DREAMS DON'T MATTER
We're all familiar with this one, and perhaps it's a bit cliche now, but my wife still needs to hear it: I will not try to live my dreams through our child. Sure, I wish I could have been a college athlete. I think that would have been awesome! But if my son doesn't, that's fine too. My life is incredible, and I am perfectly happy in spite of never playing any sport after high school. If my son has the drive and desire to do it, good for him! But if he doesn't, and he has the drive and desire to start a business, be a lawyer, write a book, be a musician, or teach history, good for him!
Whatever his passion is, I hope he learns something in youth sports that will help. No matter his involvement with sports when he is 25 or 30 or 35 years old and about to have his first child, I hope he is still physically active because of his time playing sports. I hope sports are fun to him. But really I just hope he is happy and healthy.
Whatever his passion is, I hope he learns something in youth sports that will help. No matter his involvement with sports when he is 25 or 30 or 35 years old and about to have his first child, I hope he is still physically active because of his time playing sports. I hope sports are fun to him. But really I just hope he is happy and healthy.
